You.

Happiness is a sunday afternoon with you, getting lost in the woods. Sunshine is your smile because it can light up an entire room.

Your laughter is like a cmajor that I wanna hear all day and your eyes are a portal into another dimension that I want to explore forever. Your courage is comparable to a lion and your heart to gold. Your soul sets me on fire. Your body was pieced together so perfectly that not even my finger tips deserve to trace it. You my dear, are a story to be told, a book that I cant put down. I wanna read all of your chapters and fill your blank pages.

You are too good for these words, and that is why I’ll show you.

 

 

Blood runs cold

I can’t tell the difference between whats real anymore. I feel so fucking detached from everything and everyone. Can’t keep a connection because I go numb.
Years of neglect and suppression, you fucking made me this way.
I’m selfish, I’m cold, I am yours. Our blood is the same but I am not you.
Your soul is empty, your tears are dry.
You refuse to face it, to look it in the eye.
No accountability, no remorse.

Wish you were here

Nights like tonight are the kind of lonely I’m not familiar with.
The kind where I’m longing for your touch, to feel the heat come off your fingertips when you put your hand over my heart. A hurricane of emotions. But right now we are worlds apart. Two different dimensions, but when we are together not even a natural disaster would stand a chance. You felt right.
Your hand in mine felt like home. Your arms put me at ease. There was passion I didn’t even know existed.
Anything Ive said, anything I thought I felt is void now.
I don’t know where you came from, I don’t even know where you are right now, but you got me.

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It is here in the late moments of the night when the sky is dark and the world is still, the air sends a chill through my bones as you haunt a part of me I didn’t know existed.
I found comfort in the pain of letting you engulf in my abyss, but you’re not gonna find a home within these skin and bones. There are plenty of warm bodies for you. I will not be another buried in your cemetery, but I will be the ghost to haunt you.

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Frozen eyes

If you’re in my life it’s because I want you there. Remember that.
If I give you my time, my attention, my mind, and especially my body it’s because I genuinely care about you on some sort of level and you bring some sort of joy in my life.
If you know me, you know I don’t hand out my time freely.
I cherish myself and my mind.
How can I respect myself if I allow others not to?
The older I get the more I’ve realized how important it is to cut out any bullshit in life.
Anything that drains you emotionally or drains your energy, lose it.
Family, a friend, a lover.
If you aren’t a positive outlet in my life than there is no place for you, period.
I know my worth and you should too.

Words are cheap.

Actions, not words.

I wont run away no more

Time, what a confusing concept. Nothing but a calculation of existence.

There isn’t much that scares me but the older I get the more terrified I am of it. Terrified of wasting it, not taking advantage of it or even lack of embracing it.
There are certain moments in my life I wish I could freeze.
Feelings that only a certain taste, or fragrance, or the flow of a warm breeze can trigger.
Time moves so fucking fast and I can’t keep up.
There are so many chapters to life, some painful, some blissful, but moments that don’t last forever. Whenever I’m happy I try to remember that. That the happiness is only temporary, same with sadness, only temporary. But then in return I am only doing what I hoped to not do to begin with, waste it.

Think of the feeling you get with a first kiss or a goodnight text for instance.
But then time always steals those moments away from us.
You’re left with the memories in which you can only dwell on.
I have this cynical but realistic outlook that EVERYTHING is temporary. Nothing lasts forever, and thats okay. As scary as it might be, its okay.
Are we just existing to feel as much as we can? Existing is just our bodies slowly cycling til we meet our demise.

May pretty horses come to you as you sleep

I fell asleep and while my eyes were closed and my subconscious ran wild I dreamt my body was non existent. My mind, my spirit, wandered the earth aimlessly. It looked for nothing as it was already complete. There were no bones or flesh, no lungs or heart, yet I was so full of life. I could feel the wind blow against my non existent face as I breathed life into those who felt as cold as I once did. The pain was gone, there were no tears. No feeling of disappointment or failure. No hands to tremble and no bones to ache. No god damned noises in my head. The constant back and forth battles inside my brain had ceased. It was quite, so fucking quite.

There was solace.

If you see me waver, just give me a shove

My friend Sarah and I were having an interesting conversation yesterday and as we were texting I realized it’s a topic I wanted to write about. Actually, I might have alittle bit in a previous post but my mushy pea brain can’t remember.

She asked me what characteristics I look for in a significant other so I started to think about it. I’m pretty picky and I guess that is why I don’t have much of a love life. I mean sure, I have flirty friendships or people who text me now and then but nothing that goes beyond that. My answer to her question was first and foremost funny, successful in life, a big heart, humble, strong work ethic, adventurous, passionate, someone with a backbone who isn’t afraid to stand up for what they believe in or those they care about. Someone whos been through life and overcame. Someone I can relate to and understands me.

It’s hard for me to find all of those qualities and I refuse to settle for anything less. I don’t really understand why everyone thinks its a race to find love, as if they’re afraid to be alone.
People seem to rush relationships because they like the idea of being in one. They conjure up this idea convincing themselves that their partner is everything they want but in the end theyre stuck being unhappy with heartache. I’ve done it.

My mindset is that everything ends, everything. Everything is temporary. I take it all for what it is, live in the moment, enjoy it, soak it in and then keep moving. No emotional attachment. People are scared of not having commitment or emotional attachment. Theyre scared of infidelities. Imagine a love without attachment. No pressure. Where you connect so deeply with someone that titles and commitments are so insignifcant. There are no restraints, no worries. Just so present in the moment and in the time you have together.

To me, attachment is losing all of your independence. It’s focusing all your attention and energy on the object of your love. You eventually lose your confidence and self-worth. You grow doubt, and shit falls apart. Attachment is a replacement for love. It’s controlling and requires a structure. It’s not free. Love is free, like wild horses. I don’t reckon I’ve ever been in love. I have loved, but with harsh attachment. We were together for 7 years and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him.

With that being said, forced attachment can really push me away.

Soulmates- I think they exist, but I don’t believe we all have just one. There are billions of people in this world and I bet there are many that I could probably live a happy life with. When Im with someone I know that as much as they may care about me, there is someone out there who they could probably love more. Throughout life we meet people. Some who come and go, some may stay awhile, some who want us, some who we dont want, but they were/are there for a reason. Embrace those feelings and move on with it.

Okay- so I can be somewhat cynical. This doesn’t mean Im not open to the idea of being IN love, I just don’t like everyone elses idea of love. I do believe you can still be commited to someone without attachment as long as you’re on the same page with the person. My thing is I just can’t waste my time or anyone elses.

I can’t compromise my wants/views/needs.