Your lover too

I know you are afraid of your own self.
So am I.
But we felt it, it was right there.
In the way we laughed, in the way we touched, in the way your fingers wrapped around my neck when I looked in your eyes, the way our shadows coexisted in the dark, in the way we said goodbye.
Then I felt it even more when I felt the disappointment, the disgust, the sadness and shame. Thats when it really hit.
I thought I locked you away in a box.
You got out.
You held me down.
To keep me from going.
Emotions ran wild.
We felt it.
From thousands of miles away we fucking felt that shit.
You were so close, but we were so far.
You showed me the person you want to be, I felt it.
But you cant be just yet.
So I locked you away in a box.
It hurts, I feel it.
I’ve got nothing but faith & heart for you.
To be the person you’ve set out to be.
I miss you, I feel it, it hurts my bones.

But atleast I’m not numb.

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13

It is here in the late moments of the night when the sky is dark and the world is still, the air sends a chill through my bones as you haunt a part of me I didn’t know existed.
I found comfort in the pain of letting you engulf in my abyss, but you’re not gonna find a home within these skin and bones. There are plenty of warm bodies for you. I will not be another buried in your cemetery, but I will be the ghost to haunt you.

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Frozen eyes

If you’re in my life it’s because I want you there. Remember that.
If I give you my time, my attention, my mind, and especially my body it’s because I genuinely care about you on some sort of level and you bring some sort of joy in my life.
If you know me, you know I don’t hand out my time freely.
I cherish myself and my mind.
How can I respect myself if I allow others not to?
The older I get the more I’ve realized how important it is to cut out any bullshit in life.
Anything that drains you emotionally or drains your energy, lose it.
Family, a friend, a lover.
If you aren’t a positive outlet in my life than there is no place for you, period.
I know my worth and you should too.

Words are cheap.

Actions, not words.

I wont run away no more

Time, what a confusing concept. Nothing but a calculation of existence.

There isn’t much that scares me but the older I get the more terrified I am of it. Terrified of wasting it, not taking advantage of it or even lack of embracing it.
There are certain moments in my life I wish I could freeze.
Feelings that only a certain taste, or fragrance, or the flow of a warm breeze can trigger.
Time moves so fucking fast and I can’t keep up.
There are so many chapters to life, some painful, some blissful, but moments that don’t last forever. Whenever I’m happy I try to remember that. That the happiness is only temporary, same with sadness, only temporary. But then in return I am only doing what I hoped to not do to begin with, waste it.

Think of the feeling you get with a first kiss or a goodnight text for instance.
But then time always steals those moments away from us.
You’re left with the memories in which you can only dwell on.
I have this cynical but realistic outlook that EVERYTHING is temporary. Nothing lasts forever, and thats okay. As scary as it might be, its okay.
Are we just existing to feel as much as we can? Existing is just our bodies slowly cycling til we meet our demise.

May pretty horses come to you as you sleep

I fell asleep and while my eyes were closed and my subconscious ran wild I dreamt my body was non existent. My mind, my spirit, wandered the earth aimlessly. It looked for nothing as it was already complete. There were no bones or flesh, no lungs or heart, yet I was so full of life. I could feel the wind blow against my non existent face as I breathed life into those who felt as cold as I once did. The pain was gone, there were no tears. No feeling of disappointment or failure. No hands to tremble and no bones to ache. No god damned noises in my head. The constant back and forth battles inside my brain had ceased. It was quite, so fucking quite.

There was solace.