Blood runs cold

I can’t tell the difference between whats real anymore. I feel so fucking detached from everything and everyone. Can’t keep a connection because I go numb.
Years of neglect and suppression, you fucking made me this way.
I’m selfish, I’m cold, I am yours. Our blood is the same but I am not you.
Your soul is empty, your tears are dry.
You refuse to face it, to look it in the eye.
No accountability, no remorse.

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Wish you were here

Nights like tonight are the kind of lonely I’m not familiar with.
The kind where I’m longing for your touch, to feel the heat come off your fingertips when you put your hand over my heart. A hurricane of emotions. But right now we are worlds apart. Two different dimensions, but when we are together not even a natural disaster would stand a chance. You felt right.
Your hand in mine felt like home. Your arms put me at ease. There was passion I didn’t even know existed.
Anything Ive said, anything I thought I felt is void now.
I don’t know where you came from, I don’t even know where you are right now, but you got me.

Your lover too

I know you are afraid of your own self.
So am I.
But we felt it, it was right there.
In the way we laughed, in the way we touched, in the way your fingers wrapped around my neck when I looked in your eyes, the way our shadows coexisted in the dark, in the way we said goodbye.
Then I felt it even more when I felt the disappointment, the disgust, the sadness and shame. Thats when it really hit.
I thought I locked you away in a box.
You got out.
You held me down.
To keep me from going.
Emotions ran wild.
We felt it.
From thousands of miles away we fucking felt that shit.
You were so close, but we were so far.
You showed me the person you want to be, I felt it.
But you cant be just yet.
So I locked you away in a box.
It hurts, I feel it.
I’ve got nothing but faith & heart for you.
To be the person you’ve set out to be.
I miss you, I feel it, it hurts my bones.

But atleast I’m not numb.

13

It is here in the late moments of the night when the sky is dark and the world is still, the air sends a chill through my bones as you haunt a part of me I didn’t know existed.
I found comfort in the pain of letting you engulf in my abyss, but you’re not gonna find a home within these skin and bones. There are plenty of warm bodies for you. I will not be another buried in your cemetery, but I will be the ghost to haunt you.

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Frozen eyes

If you’re in my life it’s because I want you there. Remember that.
If I give you my time, my attention, my mind, and especially my body it’s because I genuinely care about you on some sort of level and you bring some sort of joy in my life.
If you know me, you know I don’t hand out my time freely.
I cherish myself and my mind.
How can I respect myself if I allow others not to?
The older I get the more I’ve realized how important it is to cut out any bullshit in life.
Anything that drains you emotionally or drains your energy, lose it.
Family, a friend, a lover.
If you aren’t a positive outlet in my life than there is no place for you, period.
I know my worth and you should too.

Words are cheap.

Actions, not words.

I wont run away no more

Time, what a confusing concept. Nothing but a calculation of existence.

There isn’t much that scares me but the older I get the more terrified I am of it. Terrified of wasting it, not taking advantage of it or even lack of embracing it.
There are certain moments in my life I wish I could freeze.
Feelings that only a certain taste, or fragrance, or the flow of a warm breeze can trigger.
Time moves so fucking fast and I can’t keep up.
There are so many chapters to life, some painful, some blissful, but moments that don’t last forever. Whenever I’m happy I try to remember that. That the happiness is only temporary, same with sadness, only temporary. But then in return I am only doing what I hoped to not do to begin with, waste it.

Think of the feeling you get with a first kiss or a goodnight text for instance.
But then time always steals those moments away from us.
You’re left with the memories in which you can only dwell on.
I have this cynical but realistic outlook that EVERYTHING is temporary. Nothing lasts forever, and thats okay. As scary as it might be, its okay.
Are we just existing to feel as much as we can? Existing is just our bodies slowly cycling til we meet our demise.